Mothering...

This past summer has been one devoted to a LOT of reading.  Most of my reading fare has focused on the Holocaust, but I've also done some re-reading of some of my favorite books--specifically the works of Amy Tan.  Actually, I'm just now re-reading The Joy Luck Club.  Tan has written and spoken extensively about her troubled relationship with her mother.  Anyone who's read Tan's books knows that the mother-daughter relationship figures prominently in most of them.   I once heard her say in an interview about her favorite theme, "It wouldn't be much of a story if Ruth [one of her protagonists] and her mom had a great relationship."  The parent-child dynamic makes for some great storytelling.

The four moms and four daughters featured in The Joy Luck Club have struggles together which have their genesis in childhood.  Each of the daughters--June, Rose, Lena and Waverly--describes their mothers' expectations, secrets, and impositions on their children, and the longlasting impact they had on their children's lives.  I don't know if human children imprint on their mothers, but I know moms leave their mark on their children.

This morning, one of my Facebook friends posted a link to a "Mommy" blog with a provocative title:  "Motherhood:  The Big Fat F*** You".  The mom narrates a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad" day, and expresses a LOT of frustration.  She acknowledges that day-to-day mothering can be fulfilling, but that often it is not.  Her story is a tale of aggravation--she feels like she's taken advantage of by her kids and by her husband (who's not often around to share in the daily parenting responsibilities), and that her plight seems completely thankless.  It got me thinking about what mothering mistakes "do" to kids.

I was not a stay-at-home mom--I have held a full-time job for the entire lifetimes of my kids.  My husband worked (and continues to work) from a home office, and HE was the one who was home when the kids returned from school.  He did a lot of the chauffeuring to games, to Hebrew School, etc.  He did the wash, and I folded.  We shared grocery shopping and cooking.  But, I was also a very active parent.  I drove the kids to lessons, I participated in homework, and I did a lot of the housework (until we hired a part-time housekeeper).  The bottom line is, I do not share the Mommy blogger's background. I wasn't alone; my husband was an active, participating parent.  Still, I had my share of frustrations and I'm sorry to say my kids were sometimes on the receiving end.

I am blessed to be the mother of four beautiful, brilliant, loving, wonderful children

all of whom have successfully reached adulthood.  Sometimes I wonder how that happened.  Reading Amy Tan has made me think about my mothering errors.  I've been reflecting on the really big mistakes I've made.  Jake can tell stories about the State Geography Bee; Nina has a story about Mono; Leah's situation involved not having the right address for a friend she wanted to visit; and Sam will share his conversation with me the night before his first (and only) run in the Grandma's half-marathon.  Unfortunately, there were more fails over the course of their childhoods (and even beyond). 

Still...I know my kids love me, and they know I love them.  If I could have "do-overs" you bet I'd aim not to make the same mistakes.  That said, I know I would make other egregious mistakes.  I just hope my kids can forgive my failings and learn from the errors I committed.